Thursday, November 24, 2005

Twenty Long Years on Tatooine

I JUST RE-WATCHED Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. I have actually been going backwards through the new trilogy, having rented Revenge of the Sith when it recently came out on DVD, followed by watching the magnificent first volume of the Clone Wars animated series ahead of the release of the second volume.

Between Episodes I and II, I wrote the following speculation over what Obi-Wan Kenobi might have done between his parting with Darth Vader and his appearance in Episode IV. (At the time, we were still going on the "Anakin falls into lava during his final duel with Obi-Wan" theory in circulation since the late 70s.) By way of showing you, the faithful Schizohedron reader, just how deeply the depths of my geekdom reach, I inflicted the following on my friends way back in the comparatively idyllic year 2000:

Our first introduction to Obi-Wan Kenobi was in 1977, when he appeared in Star Wars. Yet we soon found out that this was really "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope," and that prior to this film, Obi-Wan withdrew from the public after Anakin Skywalker fathered Luke and Leia, fell to the Dark Side, and became Darth Vader. Assuming all this happens in the as-yet-unnamed Episode III, that leaves a fairly large stretch of time before "Ben" Kenobi rescues Luke in Episode IV. How did Obi-Wan spend those twenty-odd years?
  • Failed business venture #1: Obi-Wan's Taco Hut
  • Hoping he successfully hit "CTRL+ALT+DEL" on those two blabby droids Anakin had
  • Saying, "He betrayed and murdered your father" in front of a mirror until it looks convincing
  • Becoming confused over seeing, "DON'T GO TO THE DEATH STAR" floating in his Alpha-Bits
  • Failed business venture #2: Jundland Wastes Hotel and Casino ("Loosest Slots in the Outer Rim!")
  • Operating methadone clinic for Tusken Raiders
  • "Calibrating" his "lightsaber"
  • Writing column for "Crazy Old Hermit Monthly"
  • Failed business venture #3: Off-track betting for podraces (muscled out by Jabba's goons)
  • Getting really sick of postcards saying, "Told you so, I did" from Dagobah
  • Thinking obsessively, "LAVA!! I knocked him into LAVA!! Who survives fucking LAVA???"
  • Failed business venture #4: Country Ben's Rotisserie Jawa Shack
  • Seeing Qui-Gon Jinn getting saber-skewered for 2000th time in dream; screaming self awake
  • Writing, "Wander into desert to save AS's kid" years in advance on calendar; wondering why
Have a great Thanksgiving, folks, and enjoy the weekend!

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