Enough of Goddamn Michael Phelps Already

AS ONE OF THE 100 Americans who, by act of Congress, are maintained in a special reserve for those who don't give a red shit for the Olympics, I speak for the other 99 by saying, enough of this fuckin' guy already. He's got the eight medals. Good. Go retire and become a pitchman for Speedo or HTH Chlorine or whatevathefuck. He reminds me of smirking shill Jean-Claude Killy, as expertly skewered by gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson. I urge you to plop down in one of those comfy chairs at Barnes & Noble — or just fuckin' buy the thing, it's an authoritative slice of Thompson's best work — with a copy of The Great Shark Hunt and read "The Temptations of Jean-Claude Killy." Then get back to me. Though I doubt Phelps will be paired at car shows, as Killy was, with then-ascending football star O.J. Simpson.